Things I'm Thinking About
I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been sick, which almost never happens. I know why it is happening now, and I’m grateful for it all. For this holiday weekend, I thought I’d share a few snippets of ideas circulating in this distracted mind.
I had a couple of conversations this week. (One with Miss KH, and one with RP—much love to both of you.) These convos sparked different insights in me that relate to the things I’m thinking about.
One: There are two paradigms available to us to live within and from: The Paradigm of Peril, where we believe that danger is a possibility, and we tweak our thinking and behavior mostly to navigate around our fears, to avoid pain, to find solace, or find a story that makes sense of it all. In the best case, we learn lessons and learn to take responsibility for our part in that which happens around and to us.
Or, the Paradigm of Intention, where we understand that our intentions are what govern our experience. Where we strive to become more aware and present, to understand where our intentions are arising from, and to better focus our minds and energy.
The paradigm we came to explore provides a script that we follow in life. There is room on this incredible planet for both types of adventure.
Two: I read an article in the NY Times about a movement of nihilism that is growing, where people feel that life is not worth living and certainly not a place they want to bring children into.
As one who has been edgily suicidal my whole life, I get this. What has shifted for me is to stop trying to find solace, meaning, or value in the things of Ordinary Reality.
I may be mistaken, though many teachings, especially ACIM, indicate that I’m not, but I believe in a Non-Ordinary world that is happening right now. We can’t perceive it with our senses, and our minds tend to filter out any evidence of it (mostly because it does not support the Paradigm of Peril).
But there is a part of each of us that is participating in this beautiful world with freedom, joy, and love.
I feel called to learn the language of this Non-Ordinary world. What I know so far is that it helps to focus on what we can feel instead of what we can name or describe. It helps to try to perceive qualities rather than forms. I wrote about this in January.
I have been practicing this for years. Delightfully. I may be approaching the pigeon-level of facility with this extraordinary language.
Three: We each have—whether we like it or not—a very, very deep thread of self-hatred. This may come across as a willingness—even eagerness—to subject ourselves to negative consequences such as loss, lack, pain, illness, or other disharmony. I think this thread is the inspiration for Paradigm of Peril thinking.
I believe that self-loathing arises from confusion when we turn ourselves inside out to focus part of our attention on being human. Dr. Sue Morter refers to this inside-outing as a Splat, where our energies scatter from the single point of focus we were used to. I have thought of this as similar to light going through a prism. The holistic light shines through the prism and finds itself flat and spread out into different colors. Who and what am I now that I’m all separated like this? Where is my holistic home, and why did this happen?
If we try to ignore this thread of self-hatred: Not me! I love myself! If I give these other feelings any airspace in my head or admit that there is self-hatred in me, I will only support its growth. No. Not me! It will show itself in subtle ways like when we allow ourselves to be sick, or anxious. Ignoring the thread of self-loathing may be related to the development of the Paradigm of Peril.
For me, this dark thread has brought me here. My original script is the Paradigm of Intention. I have known this since I was a child. But I have, with the endorsement of my own self-hatred, allowed myself to be caught up into the world of the Paradigm of Peril. My self-hatred has led me to find the darkest corners of the world to work in. The hardest jobs. The most difficult students. The dying and the acutely ill. This is not a bad thing. Not a wrong thing. Just a thing that has also, maybe, brought some light into the world and into my own consciousness.
Carl Jung strongly suggested that we do deep shadow work to unveil this dark thread in our own psyches. The Christian Bible says (somewhere) that the darkness cannot comprehend the Light. Once we see the darkness, we have brought light to it. It will dissolve like the insubstantial shadow that it is.
My wish for you this holiday weekend? Be kind to yourself. Stop the infernal judging! Acknowledge your beauty and your strength. Set a small intention and then follow it through to a success.
Love to you all…