The Urgent Need for Everyone

to Learn About How Humans Work

When we feel threatened, we pop right into our Survival Operating System.

The threat could be real or it could be completely imaginary. It could be something new or something we are familiar with.

We need to understand this about ourselves because our Survival Operating System is only capable of certain things and is completely incapable of other things—things we say we value, like love, connection, cooperation, peace, respect, proactive thinking, and the like.

Our survival mechanisms are only capable of attacking, fleeing, or freezing.

It is obvious what freezing is. It is a complete shut-down of any meaningful thought or action. As in being rendered speechless in an argument. Or being unable to move in the face of a mass shooter. There are a VERY small number of instances when freezing is useful. One is when you have found a good hiding place where a threat cannot see you because of your paralysis. Institutionally, freezing looks like an inability to discuss important topics civilly, effectively freezing the momentum of the organization or government.

Fleeing is sometimes harder to identify. Sure, it can look like actual running away. But it also looks like distraction, confusion, or gaslighting. It is plopping on the couch with a pint of ice cream instead of having that important talk with your teenager. It is changing the subject when the discussion veers to something you’d rather not face. (Sound like the House of Representatives in the US?) In our institutions, fleeing is about avoiding the big questions, passing the buck, or kicking things down the line.

Attacking comes in two forms: outward and inward. Outward attack is obvious. It includes physical attacks, verbal attacks, or action-related attacks, including using whatever leverage one can find to try to control the situation or force compliance. This can include withholding support, love, or resources until we are satisfied that we are in control. Inward attack is more insidious and includes blaming oneself or collapsing into remorse or recrimination.

There is a LOT more to say about this, but the point here is to try to recognize how the Survival Operating System thinks, feels, behaves, and speaks. And to recognize that when a person is being led by their Survival Operating System they (or we) are not in their (or our) right minds.

Everyone has a Survival Operating System. We, in the US, have become so acculturated to being in survival mode, that we rely on it way more than it is designed for. And our reliance upon fighting, fleeing, or freezing is potentially our downfall, even though the system itself is geared toward trying to keep us safe.

When a parent screams at a school board. When a congressperson deflects from the topic at hand. When a person makes a veiled or overt threat on social media. When a driver curses and gestures at another driver. There is no way to communicate with them in these instances. The parts of their brain and nervous systems that can take in information and connect with another person are closed off, deprived of energy and oxygen.

In the throes of the Survival Operating System, we are like small children having a tantrum.

The terrifying aspect of this is that one person whose survival mechanisms are activated easily and almost automatically triggers the unconscious activation of survival mechanisms in everyone around. Like a herd of sheep, we all begin behaving badly, some of us attacking, some freezing, some fleeing, all chaotic and unreachable.

And this is the state of much of our private and public discourse. Yikes.

The good news is that we have installed within us, other operating systems. We can learn to activate our Success Operating System whenever we want. And we can learn to—from our activated Success OS—support those around us to find their own Success OSs.

Breathing helps. Grounding ourselves helps. Searching for a bigger picture helps. Making sure we don’t deplete ourselves of rest, stress relief, or nutrition helps. We are much more likely to slip into survival mode if we are stressed or over-tired. A meditation practice has been proven to help us keep our heads when things get tense.

Above all else, awareness is key. We slip between operating systems without knowing it. But we can know it. We can become aware of how we think, feel, behave, and speak in each of our OSs. We can recognize when others are in their survival modes and help them shift so we can actually communicate with them. (FIELD NOTE: Never try to help someone shift by telling them that they are in survival mode and need to calm down. Never dismiss their survival concerns however misguided you believe them to be! If you can’t be compassionate when someone is scared, you need to check which OS is operating in you!)

I know that there must be groups, boards, institutions, and communities, that operate without falling into the ineffectiveness of the Survival OS. To you—keep up the good work. I’d love to hear from you.

Our Success Operating Systems are geared toward success. They are capable of communicating effectively, behaving compassionately, tolerating delayed gratification, and accepting differences. They can share a goal and work through different approaches to meeting that goal.

It seems as if some of our public figures in the US are unable to identify with their Success Operating Systems at all. They strew chaos and distraction. Or they try to exert control by attacking or withholding whatever bit of leverage they can find until they feel they have “won.” One wonders what they are afraid of. What underlying insecurity is driving this survival behavior? If we could have a conversation, we might drill down to the crux of the matter and find solutions.

In public and in private it is never helpful to call each other names, malign each other’s character, or demean each other’s fears. These are Survival OS behaviors that will tank any attempt to connect and make progress.

In my experience, if a group of people, led by someone who can stay identified with her Success Operating System, has a conflict, everyone’s deeper needs can be met. The needs have to be identified first, acknowledged second, but then they can be met.

Our Survival Operating System-driven thoughts, behavior, and words will tear us down if we let them. This is why I believe it is urgent that we learn about ourselves our inner operating systems and how to use them effectively.