Sameness or Oneness

We all want to feel like we belong, like we have a tribe, that people understand us and support us. Mental Health professionals tell us that social isolation is bad for us, that we need people.

I think this is more than a psychological need. I think we all came from a Oneness and deep in our consciousness we remember a pure sense of interconnection which drives us toward trying to connect interpersonally.

Connecting interpersonally is not the same as being part of a Oneness. It cannot satisfy in the same way because part of its basis is a belief in separate individuals--who are then, trying to form a relationship. Interpersonal relationships are based on finding common ground, on finding ways in which people are more or less the same.

Our slight memory of Oneness inspires us to choose sameness. Sameness is a pale and fragile cousin to the Oneness that we imagine it represents.

Sameness feels relatively safe. At least we have a group of people who seem to see and understand us. Sameness requires us to compromise and moderate our choices and behavior to conform to group norms. Sometimes the compromises are so slight, they are barely noticeable. Sometimes the changes happen very gradually over an extended period of time, so they are also almost unnoticeable.

Some people choose the opposite of Sameness. They rebel or act out against the norms of the group. But they are still immersed in the norms of the group, only they are trying to forge an identity as an opposer.

Almost everyone chooses Sameness over Oneness. We do this when we try to hide ourselves, like when we try to be kind when we are feeling upset. We do this when we select our friends carefully and limit our circles to people who think like us. We do this when we judge and dismiss others as wrong or misguided.

After a while, Sameness feels entrapping. When people feel trapped in a role, they tend to get reactive. We see this reactivity when surprising disagreements happen between friends, couples crash into mid-life crisis divorces, or someone chooses a radical career change.

You don’t have to believe the theory that we came from a Oneness, a Unified Field of Consciousness, but I encourage you to try it on because it answers a lot of questions.

The memory of being a part of that unified consciousness lies deep within us. It calls to us to rediscover it, re-engage with it. This call can feel like a niggling dissatisfaction or a haunting loneliness.

Some people find a re-engagement with Oneness when they sit in worship with others.

More commonly, we try to alleviate the discomfort of the call by changing conditions in our lives, thinking that we will be satisfied in some other set of circumstances. Or we try to distract ourselves from the discomfort maybe by engaging in addictions or relying on a friend or partner to distract us from the call for a while.

What we rarely do, which is the most rewarding and fulfilling way to deal with the call of Oneness, is go inside and follow the call. Just sit with it and see where it leads. Many people think they are doing this. They feel the call, but then they engage in some story that distracts them from actually following it.

For example, let’s imagine someone who feels lonely decides to get still and feel the loneliness. The first thing that usually happens is that a story will come to mind about a childhood grief or a time they felt betrayed. Or they will remember that someone once said that humans need other humans and they will tell themselves a story about how deprived they are. The story takes over and the trail of the call to Oneness gets abandoned in favor of the drama of the story.

You can tell if you have lost the trail to Oneness by the presence of judgment. If someone is bad, or wrong, or pitiable in your story, you are not on the path to Oneness. If your body is tense you have lost the trail. If you feel emotions washing over you, whether they are positive or negative, you have lost sight of the path.

The Oneness we all came from, and to which we all belong, is quiet, peaceful, loving, unconditional, and vibrantly alive. And it is here, right here, present in this life for us to enjoy. The path to it is solitary, but the actuality of it is bursting with a sense of collaboration and co-creation. There is no way to feel alone when you decide to see other people with your heart instead of with your fear. And there is no way to feel deprived when every leaf on every tree is reaching out to play with you.