Mood Swings
I’m not offering this story so that you’ll think one way or another about me. I’m offering it because it illustrates a couple of important points. One is that we are very powerful and we draw to us all kinds of experiences that match the thoughts (even the unconscious background music thoughts) we are thinking. We often see the results of our thoughts, but then imagine that we are victims of the behaviors of others who play those thoughts back to us. Secondly, it is a good illustration of processing emotions in real time. And finally, it is a good illustration of the power of the heart to change the dream.
It was a great day at the library. I try to get there every week for a couple of hours of concentration on my writing. There were a few other people in the room when I arrived. As quietly as I could, I unpacked my computer, put my phone on vibrate, and unwrapped a lozenge.
I’ve had a chronic condition in my throat and I have turned into a world-class throat clearer. I was doing my best to rein it in. The lozenge helped but didn’t completely clear my throat.
I started my writing session with some journaling. About 10 minutes in, a Sikh in a white turban at the table next to mine reprimanded me. “Ma’am! Maybe you should go outside to cough.” Her eyes looked crazy, pointing off in different directions. I couldn’t tell at first if she was looking at or talking to me.
I felt humiliated. Everyone in the room had heard her. And I already feel self-conscious about my throat clearing. I had been writing about shame, something that has been on my mind lately. I’m curious about its origins, as everyone seems to have pockets of it in their energy fields. And here it was! I felt ashamed. My flight mechanism went into full gear, and if it hadn’t felt like a more shameful giving in to aggression, I might have gone home right then. I held my own against this impulse because I knew from experience that it would not solve anything.
My reason kicked in. I held my own against an impulse to make her wrong or bad. I grounded my energy and realized that on some level, my curiosity about shame had called to her. And she complied with my request.
As I breathed through the waves of emotion, I asked myself, “How can I change this dream?” It occurred to me that my heart might know what my brain didn’t seem to know. So, I focused on opening my heart. Could I see this through my heart? I could. I allowed myself to experience gratitude for her participation in my process.
As soon as the gratitude arose in my heart, she began to clear her own throat! I had not looked at her since our encounter and I did not look at her now. Very soon after, she began to noisily pack up her papers and computer.
As she left, I gestured to her and she bent down to hear me say, “Thank you for reminding me where I was.” She smiled and her eyes were not crazy at all.
I wasn’t done yet. There was still a part of me that felt like I had lost some part of the battle, that I hadn’t made her understand my predicament. I hadn’t found a way to make her validate me, apologize, or not make me wrong. No. I was the one who had to do that.
I grounded myself again and relaxed my shoulders. I became aware of energy running through my body. It was quite intense. Tingling up and down my back. Energy pulsing in my solar plexus and heart. It always feels good to be aware of my energy in this way. I felt the back of my neck open up a bit.
It was almost time to go, but now several more people had arrived in the room, many of them clearing their throats, coughing, blowing their noses, and clanking around—letting me know that I am like all humans. But me? My throat was completely clear, my breath moving easily. My mood was over the top. I could feel what a happy place this library is for many people.
I’m not offering this story so that you’ll think one way or another about me. I’m offering it because it illustrates a couple of important points. One is that we are very powerful and we draw to us all kinds of experiences that match the thoughts (even the unconscious background music thoughts) we are thinking. We often see the results of our thoughts, but then imagine that we are victims of the behaviors of others who play those thoughts back to us. Secondly, it is a good illustration of processing emotions in real time. And finally, it is a good illustration of the power of the heart to change the dream.