Expectations
We expect the sun to rise each morning. We expect gravity to hold us to the Earth. We each carry around thousands of smaller expectations too--most of which are completely subconscious and unexamined. Some of our expectations feed a sense of well-being. For example, we may expect others to be friendly with us. Some of our expectations limit us, like when we hold a limiting expectation of our earning potential. Or when we subconsciously expect that downturns will always follow good fortune.
Unmet expectations cause us pain. We may feel disappointed, frustrated, or betrayed when life doesn’t play out according to our positive expectations. We also can feel destabilized when our more limiting expectations are not met; we may like the outcome of escaping the limitations, but we typically feel suspicious or fearful when things seem too good to be true. Just to be clear, suspicion and fear are as painful as a sense of betrayal or frustration.
If we were fully present in each moment, we wouldn’t bother holding any expectations. We would greet each breath, each moment, each condition we encounter with neutrality and the ability to pivot in our responses. Instead, when we hold subconscious expectations and they are dashed, we tend to resort to reactivity. Reactivity takes the form of either fight, flight, or freeze.
Since we are unaware of most of the expectations we hold, we don’t notice them until they are unmet and we react. Our fight/flight/freeze reactions can be the signpost that one or more of our unconscious expectations have been violated.
Reactivity is always accompanied by tension in the body. Subtly and unconsciously our bodies ready themselves for fighting, fleeing, or freezing. More noticeably we might feel tension in our shoulders, gut, jaw, or around the eyes. (Think of squinting or furrowing the brow.)
Our expectations are like demands we are placing on the world. And we tend to get petulant if our demands are not satisfied.
Imagine walking into an ice cream shop and demanding a cone of pistachio. If the shop is out of pistachio, we might get aggressive and shout for a manager (fight). Or we might meekly sidle out of the shop nursing our disappointment (flight). Or we might stand indecisively at the counter, unsure how to proceed (freeze).
If we are mature, we might realize that our desire for pistachio ice cream does not have to be a demand—an expectation. Maybe it is merely a preference. When our demand shifts to a preference, we can relax, be present to the actual circumstances, engage our intelligence, and make a different choice.
This shift can occur with any expectation once we become aware of it. Did we expect the store clerk to be friendlier? Did we expect our child to meekly sit down and complete her homework? Did we expect all the drivers on the freeway to behave in a way we approve? Did we expect our friend to reply to our text in a timelier manner?
Whatever we feel upset, disappointed, or uneasy about, if we can identify the underlying expectation, we have the power to change it—in the way we think about it—to a preference. When we relax into preferring instead of demanding, everything works better. Our circulation improves. So does our oxygen uptake. Our energy moves through the various systems and pathways more easily. We maintain our ability to observe and reason. We can even observe our emotions neutrally.
The first step toward forgiveness (of anything) is to recognize the dashed expectation we were holding. The second step is to relax and recognize that what we were expecting is actually a preference. Preferring one condition over another is a natural human function. Preferring one outcome over others (rather than demanding) allows us to maintain a non-reactive stance that facilitates the flow of lovingkindness—even if we feel disappointed or uneasy. Once we free ourselves from our reactivity and relax into an easier flow, forgiveness will naturally follow.
Forgiveness feels so good because it requires us to relax and put down our demands. Holding unconscious expectations requires a lot of energy. It feels fabulous to release that energy, to free it up for better purposes. Let me know what you think about this and how you will use the energy you free up by forgiving something today.
Changing our thoughts from unconscious expectations to conscious preferences is the essence of the powerful teachings of Byron Katie, Colin Tipping, and others.