Some say that the path to awakening is a spiral. Like the Earth zooming through the zodiac signs of the night sky each year, we pass through a repetitive cycle of themes as we learn and grow. Each pass offers us a slightly different (more evolved?) perspective of that story.
One of the carnival rides that keeps popping up for me is a crash-and-burn adventure ride through a devastating life review. I read something, or hear something. Then I turn a corner and see my life as a wasteland of missed opportunities and frankly stupid distractions.
Early on, it was easy to get lost in this wasteland. To spend hours or days in recrimination and grief. Now, I take it in stride.
I have learned not to talk about this with loving friends. Their reassurance does not help; it often escalates my vicious self-judgment. I even swat away my own reassuring voice, as if I had to fall all the way to the bottom before I could turn upward again.
What does help is being able to recognize the communication style of my violent inner critic. It uses short, emphatic sentences as it displays a mental video of phases of my life. “See?” “There!” “Stupid!” “Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?” “What did you think would happen?” “Worthless!”
Phrases from my childhood.
When I hear that tone, those words, and feel that severity, I have come to recognize this as a pocket of energy that is clamoring to be released. I have come to realize that what this voice is saying to me is not true. Or at least not a complete description.
It also helps to recognize the feelings roiling around inside. The feeling of helplessness feels like a fog creeping up my spine. The feeling of resignation seems to offer clarity, but only bounces around between judgments like a pinball. The waves of shame and unworthiness crash behind my eyes and paralyze my throat.
I go into flight: I should just check out. I can’t change anything now. Maybe my next life will be more worthy. I’m too old to do anything to fix it. Or fight: If so-and-so had not limited me, I would have been better. I’ll do better from now on. I’ll show them all!
I have become able to remember that fight/flight feelings and thoughts do not represent my wisest thinking.
My body also gives me clues. My ankles get all tense and wiggly. I cross my arms over my heart. I dip my head to one side as if trying to hide. My breath becomes shallow. I often find myself jumping up from my seat into movement without direction; I pace the room.
Recognition of this phase of growth is super-important because once I know what is going on, I know what tools to use.
One can learn about these tools in many ways, but for me, birthing and raising children have been invaluable in being able to develop effective tools for pulling myself out of crash-and-burn mode: using my breath, dual awareness, and energetic release.
The breath is the most immediate. Focusing on the breath can become the automatic default when painful feelings get ignited. Deep breath cleanses and releases the tension that comes along with shame and fear.
Dual awareness means that I can fully feel whatever I’m feeling and allow the nasty thoughts to flow, but at the same time, remember that this is a clearing, not an indictment. I can recall that the judgments that are clamoring for my attention do not need any further evaluation or credence; I am not currently in the mindset that could effectively do that in any case. I can recall that this is like a labor contraction that is a small part of a much bigger (much nicer!) picture. I can patiently observe—as I did with my children--until the storm passes, without giving the storm any of my precious mental or emotional energy.
Energetic release is a process of relaxation. Shame is painful. Feeling resigned and desolate is painful. Feeling unworthy is painful. Pain comes in many forms: physical, emotional, and mental. No matter its form, pain is most effectively transmuted by relaxation. I have learned to default to finding the center of the pain and relaxing it. Letting it be, without resistance. Letting it go. Find the center of the thought and stop holding tightly to it. Find the center of the emotion and feel it flowing through and out.
My more recent crashes have been impactful but minimally painful as I watch the energies flow.
So, this is where I found myself the other day. What this indicates to me, is that Light is shining deeper and deeper into my local consciousness. I am excited about this and grateful for the opportunity to be aware of this evolutionary process, however uncomfortable it was in its passing through.
The dance through the crash and burn part of my spiral has got me thinking more deeply about the process of awakening. How Light liberates energies that have been safely tucked away in the shadows. That liberated energy can feel like deep fear or intolerable shame. What we do with the liberated energy is important. We can process it (feel it and release it) fully. Or we can allow it to ignite the most immature aspects of our Survival Operating Systems.
We get to decide. Through each life experience, we get to decide. Again and again.
When I wish you peace, what I mean is I wish that you might feel the equanimity of getting past the reactions of your Survival OS and find the neutral place of your Inner Observer as the Light liberates shadowed energy in you.
Peace to you.
If you’re interested in a bit more information about the Operating Systems there is a great image on my “About” page in this Substack.