Authentic Connection and Communication
The first step in good communication is to know yourself. Do you know how you are feeling? Right now? Do you make it a habit to check in with yourself regularly? Do you remember to check in with your body when you are having a conversation with someone? You may think you do, but you probably don’t.
Our conversations are typically surface-level, and the skills needed to succeed in these conversations are to either give rote responses (pleasantries, our own take on the topic, or defensiveness) or find a snappy way to come back. These skills do not create fulfilling connections with others. They follow patterns that keep us feeling separate or even competitive with the people we interact with.
The best book I know that teaches effective communication skills is Bring out the Best in Your Child and Yourself. Yes, it is a parenting book, but the information Dr. Val-Essen shares is vital to everyone who speaks to other people.
The reason this book is so effective is that it teaches about the attitudes behind the communication rather than the sentence construction or the words we use. In BOTB, Dr. Val-Essen shows us how the attitudes of the Listener, the Humanist, the Observer, the Pragmatist, and the Realist can help us connect assertively without falling into the traps of defensiveness or aggression.
We can stop using our communication with others as an attempt to change them. We can stop using our interactions with others as attempts to feel validated or acknowledged by them. We can stop trying to control, and we can learn to connect. Which is what we really want, deep down, anyway.
We can begin to communicate authentically and foster fulfilling connections with others.
Authentic Communication is:
Assertive - neither aggressive nor non-assertive
Balanced – everyone‘s ideas have equal importance
Respectful - based on the underlying attitude of equality
Direct - does not hide, or mince, or go round about
Honest - is not manipulative - not designed to elicit a reaction or change someone **This one is REALLY important
Congruent - energy and body language match the verbal message
Self-revealing - vulnerable and open
One of the first objections I usually hear when I talk about these qualities of Authentic Communication is that it feels too risky. What if I’m being all that and the other person is not?
This is why positive self-regard is so important. You know how you feel. You know what you prefer. You know how to express these inner experiences. You also know how to listen, especially to the feelings and assumptions behind the words. You recognize when you are slipping into reactivity. You know how to switch gears to your Success or Fulfillment Operating System—meaning you know how to access your loving heart no matter what you are perceiving in front of you. You know how to let others have their own experiences, and you don’t get pulled into their drama; you don’t argue. You make positive assumptions about yourself, others, and the world at large. You know when to walk away. You trust yourself to lovingly stand up for yourself.
These are the skills of authentic connection and communication.
The miraculous thing about these authentic communication skills is that once you master them, you will have very few opportunities to interact with anyone who will not rise up to meet you in your lovingkindness.
Everyone wants this type of connection! Most people don’t know how to create it, but they will eagerly follow someone who does. And if they don’t or can’t, we know to feel compassion for them.
Here’s to a summer of love!
Consider taking this journey with a friend…
If you want help developing the skills of Authentic Connection and Communication, first, read the book. Next, put its teachings into action. If you want more help, I can coach you. For more advanced communication skills, check out Dr. Val-Essen’s follow-up book, Parenting with Wisdom and Compassion.
I promise this will change your life for the better.